


To Yearn is to Perish

by cynicalrecluse



Category: 19天 - Old先 | 19 Days - Old Xian
Genre: Angst, Introspection, Longing, M/M, chapter 246 after-shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-15
Updated: 2018-06-15
Packaged: 2019-05-23 21:43:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 640
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14941913
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cynicalrecluse/pseuds/cynicalrecluse
Summary: Short after-shot of chapter 246. Introspection and angst.





	To Yearn is to Perish

Jian Yi had left afterwards saying he needed to go back to school so that left Mo Guan Shan all alone in the meagre hospital room. His eyes drifted around the area, but there was nothing to see. It felt like he was trapped, confined to the hospital bed.

The bandages that decorated his body were constricting. Every time he moved they would tighten. _He wanted to rip them off_. Mo settled for a drink of water, grabbing the bottle on his bedside table. The scratchy feeling in his throat dissipated after he’d had a drink.

Mo Guan Shan felt something in his chest which he couldn’t pinpoint. Something seemed to be missing. Something made him feel like his heart would burst. He tried to blame it all on his physical injuries, but he knew what it was. He knew why everything felt so wrong.

 _Where did He Tian go?_ That was a question which made Guan Shan’s heart race and head spin. He didn't think he wanted to know the answer. _Will he really only be gone a week?_ Mo didn’t know why he cared. He didn’t understand why that bastard was the only thing on his mind.

 _‘Why did he bother saving me?’_ thoughts like this haunted him. Mo didn’t think he deserved to be saved. He had always known one day, he would get what was coming to him. Before He Tian showed up and saved him he had thought, _‘I guess this is it’._

Mo tried to be angry at He Tian for butting into his business. He tried to be angry at Tian for treating him like a weak child who needed saving. Mo also tried being angry at Tian for making it seem like he cared. He didn’t want to feel cared about because that would make him care and if he cared everything would go wrong like it always did.

Guan Shan felt a tear slip down his temple and he wiped it away. Mo didn’t hate He Tian, not in the slightest. He knew he could only push his emotions down for so long. No matter how much you want it to, denial doesn’t last.

Mo squeezed his eyes shut, feeling a sharp pang in the back of his head. The pain dispersed shortly after and he thought about the previous day. Guan Shan knew starting a fight against three grown men was an idiotic idea. He also knew he wasn’t in the right mindset that night after meeting his father. _‘Why did He Tian help me?! I don’t deserve to be saved!’_ he squeezed his eyes shut again, but this time for a differing reason.

Mo Guan Shan missed He Tian. He wanted to see him. He wanted to argue with him and swear at him for being a chicken dick and cook for him and oh fuck he was in deep. Mo hadn’t known He Tian for that long, so why was he consumed with thoughts of him? If Guan Shan was honest with himself, he didn’t mind all too much.

Mo’s biggest question danced on his lips daringly. _“Why do I feel like this?”_ he whispered to himself, voice cracking. Guan Shan didn’t remember when his heart began beating so fast nor when his hands had started shaking, all he remembered was He Tian’s retreating figure in the darkness of his hospital room.

_“Better get a good look at me now~ I’m leaving.”_

Mo Guan Shan knew that this wasn’t what friendship was. He knew this wasn’t what gratefulness felt like. He knew that he held some sort of feelings for He Tian. _He knew that this was not friendship._ Mo didn’t want to accept it. He didn’t want to accept the loneliness and pain he felt. He didn’t want to accept the fact that _he missed He Tian._


End file.
